A journey of life's palette

A few days ago, my youngest brother turned 33 in heaven. Yes, in heaven. He was a special brother. He was born with Down Syndrome with congenital heart disease. It was not smooth sailing for him or even for our family but life with him was beautiful and fulfilling.

My brother, Ram. He was my North star. He gave me a purpose in life beyond what I wanted to do and accomplish. I still vividly remember every time I am tired from work or frustrated, I’d call my mom and speak to him, and every single tiredness and frustrations turn into motivation and hope.

Although, we have our ups and downs. He was the most understanding person one can ever meet. His heart was pure and clean. His intentions were genuine and never ill-mannered. He was my angel, an angel given to a family that may not have survived the challenges of time.

In the early days of my career, I was partly driven because of the need to fulfill a dream that Ram was a big part of – our age gap was more than a decade and having seen the challenges made me even more persevere. That’s why he was my North Star. I only must look and speak to him at that time, and I knew where I was going.

When my mom told me brother was special – I did not get it until they told me he was born with Down Syndrome. But it never hindered me or anyone else in the family from treating him differently – the only difference was he was the most special and he always gets the best. We were just so happy to give because he gives us the most joy and happiness when he is around.

I recall someone telling me that I loved my brother, not understanding what he meant until he told me that some people were shy away from bringing and proudly walking with family members who were born with special needs. I told him my brother is no different from us, in fact he is more “humane” than anyone I have met in my life. He is the most sensitive person sans when he was a little boy who will throw tantrums but when he became a young man, he was the most loving, thoughtful, respectful and cheeky brother, friend, son, cousin, nephew and all other hats he was known for – including as a god parent to my own daughter.

He wanted to travel but his health kept him from doing much so. When I got married in New York, he was denied a US visa twice. It broke his heart and cried so hard. I was devastated because it was his dream. During his wake I shared this with some friends of mine in the medical field about how this unfulfilled dream never happened after hearing them speak about a certain patient, who was on a short flight crossing the channel to another island, passed away by mid-flight. They sincerely shared that it may have been a blessing in disguise that my brother was not allowed to take that long trip. My brother’s heart condition could have led to some critical effect (e.g., hypoxia, heart stress or even venous thromboembolism) which would have been a tragic event that I may not forgive myself. I know in my heart I still fervently wish he was able to fly but God’s plan is way better than we always plan for – and that was giving my brother at least three more years to live before losing him in 2022.

How do you fill that gap or void he left? You will never be able to – every day I see him in my office- a beautiful, handsome picture of him with a heavenly background. Another picture with him and my other brother in their younger years celebrating joys. I will never be able to fill that void, but I can only make it lighter by living his dream. When days like this engulfed me – sad, lonely and lost – I look at him and pray. If God gave Him to us 33 years ago for a reason, God took him back for a reason and purpose.

My brother’s love endures. He inspires me to get up and seize the day knowing that he may be a heavenly north star, he reminds me that I have an anchor in my daughter. These days I feel a little lost, unsure of what lies ahead but I feel in my heart a certain hope knowing I have an angel with me.

My brother’s love reminds not just me but every one of us that life may seem complex, but the joys are simple. A smile, a hello, a hug, a kind deed, a good word, a sincere heart makes all of life meaningful.